Wow really cant believe how long its been since my last post. with school and all of the other life changes going on it felt like maybe a couple of months. I logged on and my last post was from December!! Then for a couple of days i put it off because i didnt know what to write about and then i remembered that i usually dont ever know until i start typing.
So i suppose i could start from the beginning. After my stay in residential in Oregon i realized how much i love it out there. I got back to California and it didnt feel like home anymore, which wasnt at all that surprising seeing as ive never really felt like ive belonged anywhere. Ive always sort of felt like i was floating around aimlessly trying to figure things out but never quite did. Anyways it is like a completely different foreign world outside of California.
The biggest difference i had first noticed was that people are not so stinking image crazy as they are in California. Im sure every place has these sorts of people but as a whole it is a lot stinking less. In my webbed mind that is my eating disorder you have no idea how amazing it feels. I am probably alot more sensitive to things of the sort of thing than the average person. I am extremely guilty of comparing myself to others and sometimes allowing it to ruin my whole day as well as putting it in my mind that they are doing the same to me. To this day i still cant wear a tight t-shirt in public without thinking that every person i walk by is thinking "I cant believe she left the house like that, she is far too large!" My body image is still extremely morphed although it is still very hard for me to admit because it feels like my reality.
ANYWAYS, long story short oregon feels like home california feels like a place i am currently staying in. When i came back from rainrock i was extremely sad and homesick for a place that wasnt actually my home. My husband loves California and everything about it so anytime i would mention leaving in the year following treatment he wanted nothing to do with it. Then one October day we were eating at an indian place across from our apartment and it came up again and he seemed more into it. I kept the discussion going a t home and proposed that maybe we could go up when we were out of debt. He agreed! Then i thought hmmmmm we could get out of debt really quickly if we didnt have to pay rent! So i proposed that we move in with my mom for a year pay off debt save money and then GO! He agreed. Our lease was to be up the following april.
So skip ahead we have been living with my mom for about three month now, which has actually been really nice. She just underwent a double mastectomy with some complications and it has been comforting to see her everyday knowing that besides my husbands family, she is the only family that i have really. Tim and I made a trip to Portland to see my very good friend graduate with her MSW (Masters in Social Work) which was amazing and emotional knowing that my goal is to go to the same school, same program, same degree. So as of now we are waiting for a Toyota dealership to call Tim for a job, but the latest we will be leaving is next may, june.
*quick update, I got an A in my first class going back to school. With all of my times in treatment and my eating disorder ruling my life my transcript looks a bit like this...F F D C- W W W I D.....you get the picture. so now i know what i am capable when i am healthier and taking care of myself. My Best Friend/Sister moved to Pittsburgh and got engaged! I greatly miss going to get Pho and Thai and venting to eachother, but now i look forward to our 2.5 hour phone convos and wedding planning! I had a bit of a lapse with my eating disorder where again i wasnt taking my meds cause thats always a smart idea...not! But that will probably be my next post. And newest update. Even if no one reads this it is extremely therapeutic so i need to try to not let 7 months go by without my fingers brushing these keys.
