I know i know its been entirely too long since I've written. I've missed it and there have been many different contributing factors. Partly school, partly up and moving to a new state, partly insecurity. probably more of the later than i would like to admit. Nonetheless I'm back with something that actually happens more than it should. peoples inability to respect and have tact when it comes to mental illness and more specifically eating disorders. I was scrolling through my social media when i noticed that an article had resurfaced that i had actually not seen when it had originally happened. Urban Outfitters back in 2010 made a shirt with the words "eat less" on them. More recently they produced a shirt with the word "depression" printed over and over again on it.
In 2010 when the first shirt came out Sophia Bush (Brooke from One Tree Hill, yup i was absolutely obsessed with the show and had a folder filled with hundreds of quote GIFS) spoke out in boycott of a shirt being sold that promoted eating disorders. Now two things really stuck out to me and got my wheels turning, well actually spinning because lets face it my mind runs so fast with stuff like that, that it seems as if all of my thoughts are a movie on x40 fast forward. One was also outrage that someone, no people, a corporation could produce something that could have a deadly effect. The other had to do with the pictures that the article used, on one side was a girl wearing the "eat less" shirt the other was Sophia wearing a shirt that said "0 is not a size".
Now this really hit home with me because i remember where it was from. In the show One Tree Hill her character was a fashion designer and in an effort to promote healthy body image at the end of one of her fashion shows she walked the runway in this "0 is not a size" shirt. I remember all of the news articles and people wanting to purchase this shirt. I also specifically remember my mental and physical state when watching this episode. I was on the edge.
I want to preface this by saying that while it was all done in good intentions and as one in recovery from an eating disorder i can definitely appreciate it, however it is not the truth in a lot of cases. 0 is a size. It exists, it is produced, it is sold. Some people are naturally a size 0 and they should never feel, or be made to feel bad for it, ever. Just as no one on the opposite end of the spectrum ever should. Now that being said, as someone with an eating disorder size 0 can be absolutely maddening. So i will continue to tell you what it was and what it is for me.
While watching this episode on tv some years ago a was in a bit of limbo i had been to treatment, i wanted recovery but i wanted nothing to do with gaining any sort of weight (besides what was necessary for getting me out of treatment of course). i remember watching it and thinking "You go Glen CoCo!" then on the other had having a sense of pride that i in fact was a size 0. Of course it wasn't my fault it wasn't my fault because i was one of the ones that was "naturally" a size 0. After all i was following my meal plan i had maintained my weight for a year. However i was nowhere close to what i needed to be, i was simply surviving not thriving. I was allowed to stay on the lowest end of my weight range without having complications as possible. Which i obviously tested by making sure that i stayed exactly a pound or two less than that.
There definitely was a time that i was naturally a size 0 growing up unfortunately i stunted my growth when my body started to become womanly, so i have no idea at what point it went from natural to sick. My guess is my sophomore year of high school. For years size 0 to me meant being pure, being clean which i felt like i needed after my traumas when i was little. It also meant disappearing yet being strong at the same time. I was always supposed to be strong when i was little, never cry, never show weakness. To me size 0 signified that strength not the weakness that i was dying to show.
Now 8 years into my recovery i know what it really was. I can look back and know what i wanted it to be what i was so desperately trying to say with it, but it actually wasn't any of those things. For me now it still even kind of hurts to think of what it truly was and my pride kicks in because to this day i still say that i don't think that my eating disorder was "that bad" or other have been way sicker than me.
For me looking back now size 0 was a lot of sadness. It was depression. It was anxiety. It was fear. it was anger. It was hurt. it was heart palpitations. It was being cold all the time.It was self harm. It was self medicating. It was hair falling out. It was a seizure. It was dizziness. It was emptiness. It made me a liar. It made me bitter. It strained my relationships. It didn't allow me to trust. It was waking up on the bathroom floor. It was neglect of boundaries and self care. It was abusive relationships. It was endless hours in treatment. It was sitting at a table for an hour crying over a piece of pizza i didt want to eat. It was hell. It was not glamorous. It did not make me strong. It did not make me disappear. It did not make the pain go away. It did not make the flashback stop. It didn't stop the dreams. It didn't do anything to help it only hurt.
To this day its hard to not be a size 0. which may be unbelievable after what i just explained it to be like. To this day there is still two sides the side that wants nothing to do with it. The side that wants to be healthy, a good wife, a good friend, a good student, a good therapist. Then there is the side that wishes i could have size 0 without any of the side effects. That tells myself oh it wasn't THAT bad. You can have a sick body, but a healthy mind easy peasy…..pssshhhh sike. As much i wish it were true it just never will be. Im blessed to have to support and the help that i have. Im blessed to know that I've maintained a weight that before would have had me spinning in a state of anxiety and self harm.
Now back to how damaging a shirt like this or anything else can be damaging. A few years ago something like this would have sparked somewhat of self pride for me. Pre treatment i would have said "see not that bad not that serious" however this is not the case. People die. Some people don't get a second chance or even a first chance like i did. Theres nothing like the feeling of being in a group in treatment talking about whether or not you want recovery and having someone come in and say that a former patient just died. It makes things really freaking real. So please know that while some companies have no shame when it comes to this kind of thing weather it be for a profit or ignorance it is simply not ok.
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