Ive gone for too long living like I'm not alive.

Emotions are a tricky thing, at least for me they are anyway. Considering the way that I was raised it’s not very shocking, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I have always known that I am a very emotional person, but only in the comfort of my own home by myself. I’m very factual and situational. Even when talking to my best friends about a situation that hurt me I can recount a situation verbatim and give all of the details of the back and forth. Of course however, I leave out the part about me crawling in to bed and crying myself to sleep. Crying is weakness and emotion is useless was the broken record in my home from the time I was born till my parents divorce. So now that I am working hard in therapy to change all of this, it is now the most frustrating thing I have ever dealt with.

In EMDR I have been working on trying to emote and being able to admit to all of the different forms of abuse that I have suffered in my life. Something that I always shrug off and label as “normal” because it has been all I have ever known. One of the hardest that I can’t wrap my head around, happened in kindergarten. As a child I had severe anxiety as well as separation anxiety pertaining to my parents. If I couldn’t see them in ballet class I would freak out, starting school and being away from them was a nightmare. I cried every single day I’m pretty sure for the entirety of the year.

To my dad this was unacceptable. There was no crying in baseball, or kindergarten in my situation. Tears were the outcome of blood and or broken bones. The term “ill give you a reason to cry” was used often. The threats began shortly after the year started. He would ask the teacher everyday if I cried and if I did was to be whipped when I got home. We lived by my school so we would often walk home and I remember trying so hard to keep my five year old self from crying because I didn’t want to be hit even more than I was about to be. My entire childhood my dad used a belt to erase any form of emotion that he didn’t like or didn’t approve of.

To me this was normal a punishment I deserved for being weak, for seeking attention, for not being a self sufficient five year old like all other five year olds are. I remember walking around target seeing a child cry and thinking what a weak little human, while also wondering why their cries were met with hugs and not belts. This seemed so completely upside down to me.

This with all of the other abuse that I have dealt with in my life I have always chalked it up to something that I did. My inherent flaw of not being good enough, being needy, being weak. Is something you deserve really abuse? No. Not in my unhealthy mind at least. That is why now that I am trying to change all of this. A lot of times it is so incredibly hard to wrap my head around. Literally the only thing that has helped me has been to think of someone doing to my future child what was done to me. When I think about it I feel angry. Which for me is my go to emotion. Someone hurts me I’m angry.

When I actually let myself start to feel those things I start to freak out as if it is never going to stop. I already deal with depression so why would I do that to myself. Well I know from experience that it usually gets worse before it gets better. When I think about all of the things that my emotion or lack there of has kept me from I just want to kick it in the face. In high school people thought I was mean or stuck up because of the lack of emotion on my face, I’ve been put on tissue restriction in treatment more times than I can count, not to mention what I know I am missing out on in relationships by not being able to do this.

The times in treatment that I have actually been able to fully open up and be vulnerable with my peers have been some of the most enlightening and blessed moments of my life and I can’t wait to experience this in my current friendships with some of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. This is why I go week after week to therapy and EMDR. Why I deal with the depression that comes after, and the slips in my eating disorder that happens on a regular basis because that is my go to. Why I challenge myself to let myself cry at the end of breaking dawn part two every time I see it! Most of all to allow myself to be completely open with the one person besides my mom who loves me unconditionally, who gets me, who allows me to be me flaws and all my husband. Its scary but its worth it. 

Never too late

“For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

            I’ve spent a lot, actually probably too much time feeling sorry for myself and my situation. If only I didn’t have an eating disorder, if only I didn’t struggle with mental illness, I would where most people my age are, graduated from college, a good job doing what they love. With all of that who is to say i cant start right now? I could either spend more years feeling sorry for myself or I could go and start now. Sure I will be a lot older than most people who are settling into their careers, but at least I wont be doing what im doing now for the rest of my life.

            I often write off my time recovering from my eating disorder as time wasted, when in fact I think it is quite the opposite. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. Everyone has their own path and their own struggles in life and in particular while going through school. I had to pause and basically save my life. I know now that there is no way that I could complete school in the state I was in while completely enveloped in my eating disorder.

            Recovery is freaking hard. Endless hours of therapy, groups, nutrition, blood sweat and tears basically. All that after the physical pain of re-feeding. Facing things that for years I used my eating disorder to cope with. Like a lot of people who have dealt with something similar, I have a completely different outlook on life. I appreciate things more, and put up with a lot less. I look back on the years that I spent wasting time partying and being involved in unhealthy relationships and realize that although I feel far behind some in a lot of ways I may be ahead of others in some.

            So basically I have an amazing husband who loves and supports me. Amazing friends who do the same. I have realized that this is exactly where God wants me and how he wanted it to happen. I have a fire inside of me to help others with eating disorders like never before and am now even more motivated to get my masters degree from Portland State. I now have the courage to minor in writing and put out a book. The judgmental voices in my head have quieted enough for me to say, I’m doing it anyway.

            As hard as it has been I wouldn’t take anything back for even a second

Just eat something.

            Being in treatment a few times I have found that one of the most difficult yet most common things I have come across from others is when people do not understand or do not even try to understand. Or my favorite is when they tell you what you should do to get better. I always kind of laugh then have to remind myself that people are ignorant. I don’t mean that in a bad way it’s the truth. Ignorant means, lacking knowledge, information, or awareness about something. Kind of in the same when that when someone learns that I am on anti depressents and anti anxiety meds they are like “oh you don’t need those.” Im always like “thanks a heap Dr. House that was incredibly insightful and educated, your right (magic wand waved) im cured, I am forever in your debt.”

            Now I am fully aware that the eating disordered population are not the only ones who deal with this. There is definitely a mental health stigma that most of the time makes me want to fling myself off a bridge (no not literally, yes I took my meds today J ). For me I am very open about my struggles because of this. I feel like people don’t know until you teach them. Chances are everyone knows someone who deals with some sort of mental health issue on a lot of different spectrums. Chances are also you have not even the slightest idea what they go through or what it really is.

            Chances are also that you haven’t even asked. Shame on you…JK! Its hard its awkward depending on how close you are to the person and sometimes you flat out don’t know what to say for many different reasons. One that I get a lot is im curious, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Everyone is different and some might not want to let you in, some are embarrassed, some may not trust you to not treat them any differently. Some will be like me an open book and that is great for you so learn as much as you can.

            Now there are some who frankly just don’t care. They are closed minded set in their ways don’t believe in meds, mental illness, psychology, etc. I am always cautious of these people personally. Now does this mean that they aren’t fun people to hang out with on a Friday night? No. Does it mean they may not be someone that I want to open my heart and soul too and share life with…mmm probably. Ive always been more about quality, rather than quantity. I would like to have really amazing supportive people in my life. People who will allow me to be there for them just as they have for me and don’t treat me like im damaged goods and im too fragile to deal with their problems with them.

            I have some really truly amazing friends who understand me completely that it amazes me. I also have truly amazing friend who have no clue at all whatsoever what I go through but they try their very hardest. I have friends who watch videos, research online, read books, want to get tattoos, know my weight range, my meal plan, call me out on my crap when I get obsessive about stuff friends that I honestly don’t know what I would do without. That quite frankly just gave me a reality check this second as im writing this.

            I myself spend far too much time thinking about and worrying about relationships that I have lost due to this mental illness that I suffer. People that I know 100% would still be in my life through all these years if I didn’t have this little thing called anorexia (ok maybe not 100% but you get the idea). Why do I freaking do that to myself? Why because I have an eating disorder that constantly tells me that im not good enough therefore not good enough for them therefore worthless and shouldn’t eat the watermelon laffy taffy that im about to chow down on as we speak. Complicated yes? You betcha!

Now do I understand why those people aren’t in my life? Yea its hard its really extremely hard. I have had a hard time with relationships with others with disorders like mine so I get it. This is where that quote that almost everyone has posted at some point with a little picture behind it, “if you cant handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best.” Now this does sound a little vain in my opinion using the word deserve, but I am pretty awesome despite all my flaws. I would do anything for a friend no matter what time or how far, and im pretty freaking hilarious.

Now if you have a mental illness its your choice to share whatever you want to share. For me I get what I put out there. If you know someone who suffers throw out everything you ever heard or think you’re an expert on just listen, don’t tell them how to cure themselves and ask questions where you have them. 

The Difference a Year Makes

It’s really hard to believe that it’s already October. It’s also really hard to believe that the year of my life that was one of the most eventful went by so incredibly fast. Now last year in treatment definitely wasn’t my first rodeo, but the circumstances were definitely different. It had honestly felt like light years since the previous stay in treatment. I had a solid two years of living “normally.” I had maintained my weight and I didn’t have to go to appointments every week (which was not a good decision).

For the first two years of Tim and I’s relationship I felt like I was in a really good place. I was on track food wasn’t my enemy, I had a few rough spots, but for the most part I was good. Falling in love, real love was all kind of a whirl wind. I guess I’ve always been a romantic believing in true love and managed to always get involved with guys who used and abused. Finally for the first time and only time I found the man that God had for me. I believe he is the only man who knows how to love me the way that I need to be loved. He knows how to support me and he always does.

After we got married and real life started to set in a lot of my old trauma started to resurface. My anxiety and depression got worse and so did the nightmares. I worked in a job where nothing was ever, ever good enough, and if you have an eating disorder I’m sure you would understand how that would be. I tried so hard to tell myself that it was a little slip and I could get back on track but I was fooling myself, its grip on me was almost as tight as it was before. So in a matter of months I was sitting by myself on a plane to Oregon.

It was my first residential experience and I was terrified. It was one of the best and worst experiences of my life. I was away from my husband which made me miserable, but I was also amongst some of the most amazing women that I have ever met in my life. It was hard I cried almost every day but also had some of the best moments of my life. I made friends that I believe are lifetime friends. I miss it everyday and never wanna go back all at the same time.

I know now that without a doubt I want to get my degree in social work and work with people with eating disorders. I want to do whatever possible to raise awareness and help get rid of the stigma of those with eating disorders. I’ve seen too much and lived through too much to not. I know its going to take a long time since my eating disorder took college away from me but I will get there.

Now that it is a year later it seems like a lifetime ago that I went through all of that. With the season everything reminds me of Oregon. Pumpkin spice coming out and getting a SHORT size on Sunday coffee outings, and only letting myself drink half of it. All the pumpkin things at the grocery store in the turnberry house, and watching breaking dawn at the midnight showing. The aweful thanksgiving meal, going to a Christmas tree farm and actually cutting down your own tree and taking it home, and sitting in front of the fireplace and taking naps.

With all of this nostalgia also comes the realization of how much better it would have been if I could have shared it with my amazing husband. I don’t ever want to be in that position again to be apart. Now I want to make the most of this fall and holiday season with my hubby. My eating disorder is still a very real thing in my life every single day, but it no longer makes all of the decisions. Now when I struggle I think of the good support I had at rainrock, but also remember that I don’t ever want to be back there again. I am truly blessed to have the supportive few in my life that I do and an amazing loving husband who is there to act like a ninja after a hard day of trauma therapy. <3

Don't worry about a thing

            So Monday was our first small group for the 40 days in the word series. With my social anxiety I went it already feeling super anxious. I was eased when everyone was so warm and welcoming. Ironically the first verse we went over was Colossians 3:15, “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.” The question came up of which word stood out the most and to me it was “Let.” I started thinking about the phrase “let go and let God” and I thought how completely terrible I am at that!

            I always feel like if I’m not in control of something then it will completely fall apart. Yes it completely drives Tim insane because he’s Mr. Positivity and always says everything’s gonna be fine don’t worry. I know I have so much evidence that it will be ok. Last year when I left for Oregon I was like nope cant go, I’ve got to work, I’ve got to make money. What happened? I left and the world didn’t fall apart. We didn’t get evicted and we didn’t end up on the streets.

            So the next day I was watching 90210 (I know I know a guilty pleasure!) and one of the girls was talking about being worried and down and certain song coming on and making everything alright. Now I’m a huge believer in musical therapy I have all sorts of playlists for different moods and Tim knows if im sad I like to lay on the floor and listen to my Tegan and Sara vinyl’s. As she was talking about this they turned on Bob Marley’s “Don’t worry about a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright.”

            It never ceases to amaze me the way that God used music in my life to reach me. It seems like always at the right time the right song that I needed comes on. Whether its to cheer me up, or to really just allow me to feel my emotions (which I’m terrible at) and break down and cry for an hour until I feel better, and most of all to bring hope. Tim now says that, that Bob Marley song is my song. I now know that God is continually there even when I don’t think that he is. That he wants to comfort me if I let him.

            Now for those who suffer from anxiety the way that I do you know how it feels. The actual physical symptoms can be unbearable. I think a lot of times people do take anxiety in the sense of worrying about a certain thing or event, which a lot of times it is. There is also the physical that is not very fun at all. The heart racing, sweaty palm, heart palpitations sometimes don’t go away without medication and I personally don’t see anything wrong with this (a lot of people will and that’s ok). I don’t personally love being on medication but with the mental illnesses I have I feel like I have to pick my battles. My anxiety can and often times does lead me to restrict. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain on many different levels and medication helps to put them back in balance. If there are other ways to calm myself then I do. All of the years of treatment that I have had have taught me a lot of different techniques and they work with different degrees of anxiety. For me turning to God does in fact seem to be the most comforting.

            Now I don’t think that my anxiety is going to go away tomorrow (unless that’s what God wants to do with me) but it is a little helpful to know that I’m not alone. That I’m not crazy for going to the worst case scenario in a matter of seconds (ok maybe a little). I know that I have people in my life who understand and still love me. Now I have dealt with people not being so supportive and I have learned to distance myself from those people. Not because they are bad people, in most cases they are actually great people, they just don’t get it and that’s ok. I have so many people who do and people who don’t but try their very hardest. So please don’t get down on yourself. Your not crazy even though you may feel like you are 99% of the time. I have also realized that the people God has put in my life who do “get it” really are heaven sent and I couldn’t be more thankful for them!