Never too late

“For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

            I’ve spent a lot, actually probably too much time feeling sorry for myself and my situation. If only I didn’t have an eating disorder, if only I didn’t struggle with mental illness, I would where most people my age are, graduated from college, a good job doing what they love. With all of that who is to say i cant start right now? I could either spend more years feeling sorry for myself or I could go and start now. Sure I will be a lot older than most people who are settling into their careers, but at least I wont be doing what im doing now for the rest of my life.

            I often write off my time recovering from my eating disorder as time wasted, when in fact I think it is quite the opposite. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. Everyone has their own path and their own struggles in life and in particular while going through school. I had to pause and basically save my life. I know now that there is no way that I could complete school in the state I was in while completely enveloped in my eating disorder.

            Recovery is freaking hard. Endless hours of therapy, groups, nutrition, blood sweat and tears basically. All that after the physical pain of re-feeding. Facing things that for years I used my eating disorder to cope with. Like a lot of people who have dealt with something similar, I have a completely different outlook on life. I appreciate things more, and put up with a lot less. I look back on the years that I spent wasting time partying and being involved in unhealthy relationships and realize that although I feel far behind some in a lot of ways I may be ahead of others in some.

            So basically I have an amazing husband who loves and supports me. Amazing friends who do the same. I have realized that this is exactly where God wants me and how he wanted it to happen. I have a fire inside of me to help others with eating disorders like never before and am now even more motivated to get my masters degree from Portland State. I now have the courage to minor in writing and put out a book. The judgmental voices in my head have quieted enough for me to say, I’m doing it anyway.

            As hard as it has been I wouldn’t take anything back for even a second