Never too late

“For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

            I’ve spent a lot, actually probably too much time feeling sorry for myself and my situation. If only I didn’t have an eating disorder, if only I didn’t struggle with mental illness, I would where most people my age are, graduated from college, a good job doing what they love. With all of that who is to say i cant start right now? I could either spend more years feeling sorry for myself or I could go and start now. Sure I will be a lot older than most people who are settling into their careers, but at least I wont be doing what im doing now for the rest of my life.

            I often write off my time recovering from my eating disorder as time wasted, when in fact I think it is quite the opposite. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. Everyone has their own path and their own struggles in life and in particular while going through school. I had to pause and basically save my life. I know now that there is no way that I could complete school in the state I was in while completely enveloped in my eating disorder.

            Recovery is freaking hard. Endless hours of therapy, groups, nutrition, blood sweat and tears basically. All that after the physical pain of re-feeding. Facing things that for years I used my eating disorder to cope with. Like a lot of people who have dealt with something similar, I have a completely different outlook on life. I appreciate things more, and put up with a lot less. I look back on the years that I spent wasting time partying and being involved in unhealthy relationships and realize that although I feel far behind some in a lot of ways I may be ahead of others in some.

            So basically I have an amazing husband who loves and supports me. Amazing friends who do the same. I have realized that this is exactly where God wants me and how he wanted it to happen. I have a fire inside of me to help others with eating disorders like never before and am now even more motivated to get my masters degree from Portland State. I now have the courage to minor in writing and put out a book. The judgmental voices in my head have quieted enough for me to say, I’m doing it anyway.

            As hard as it has been I wouldn’t take anything back for even a second

Just eat something.

            Being in treatment a few times I have found that one of the most difficult yet most common things I have come across from others is when people do not understand or do not even try to understand. Or my favorite is when they tell you what you should do to get better. I always kind of laugh then have to remind myself that people are ignorant. I don’t mean that in a bad way it’s the truth. Ignorant means, lacking knowledge, information, or awareness about something. Kind of in the same when that when someone learns that I am on anti depressents and anti anxiety meds they are like “oh you don’t need those.” Im always like “thanks a heap Dr. House that was incredibly insightful and educated, your right (magic wand waved) im cured, I am forever in your debt.”

            Now I am fully aware that the eating disordered population are not the only ones who deal with this. There is definitely a mental health stigma that most of the time makes me want to fling myself off a bridge (no not literally, yes I took my meds today J ). For me I am very open about my struggles because of this. I feel like people don’t know until you teach them. Chances are everyone knows someone who deals with some sort of mental health issue on a lot of different spectrums. Chances are also you have not even the slightest idea what they go through or what it really is.

            Chances are also that you haven’t even asked. Shame on you…JK! Its hard its awkward depending on how close you are to the person and sometimes you flat out don’t know what to say for many different reasons. One that I get a lot is im curious, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Everyone is different and some might not want to let you in, some are embarrassed, some may not trust you to not treat them any differently. Some will be like me an open book and that is great for you so learn as much as you can.

            Now there are some who frankly just don’t care. They are closed minded set in their ways don’t believe in meds, mental illness, psychology, etc. I am always cautious of these people personally. Now does this mean that they aren’t fun people to hang out with on a Friday night? No. Does it mean they may not be someone that I want to open my heart and soul too and share life with…mmm probably. Ive always been more about quality, rather than quantity. I would like to have really amazing supportive people in my life. People who will allow me to be there for them just as they have for me and don’t treat me like im damaged goods and im too fragile to deal with their problems with them.

            I have some really truly amazing friends who understand me completely that it amazes me. I also have truly amazing friend who have no clue at all whatsoever what I go through but they try their very hardest. I have friends who watch videos, research online, read books, want to get tattoos, know my weight range, my meal plan, call me out on my crap when I get obsessive about stuff friends that I honestly don’t know what I would do without. That quite frankly just gave me a reality check this second as im writing this.

            I myself spend far too much time thinking about and worrying about relationships that I have lost due to this mental illness that I suffer. People that I know 100% would still be in my life through all these years if I didn’t have this little thing called anorexia (ok maybe not 100% but you get the idea). Why do I freaking do that to myself? Why because I have an eating disorder that constantly tells me that im not good enough therefore not good enough for them therefore worthless and shouldn’t eat the watermelon laffy taffy that im about to chow down on as we speak. Complicated yes? You betcha!

Now do I understand why those people aren’t in my life? Yea its hard its really extremely hard. I have had a hard time with relationships with others with disorders like mine so I get it. This is where that quote that almost everyone has posted at some point with a little picture behind it, “if you cant handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best.” Now this does sound a little vain in my opinion using the word deserve, but I am pretty awesome despite all my flaws. I would do anything for a friend no matter what time or how far, and im pretty freaking hilarious.

Now if you have a mental illness its your choice to share whatever you want to share. For me I get what I put out there. If you know someone who suffers throw out everything you ever heard or think you’re an expert on just listen, don’t tell them how to cure themselves and ask questions where you have them.