It’s really hard to believe that
it’s already October. It’s also really hard to believe that the year of my life
that was one of the most eventful went by so incredibly fast. Now last year in
treatment definitely wasn’t my first rodeo, but the circumstances were
definitely different. It had honestly felt like light years since the previous
stay in treatment. I had a solid two years of living “normally.” I had
maintained my weight and I didn’t have to go to appointments every week (which
was not a good decision).
For the first two years of Tim and
I’s relationship I felt like I was in a really good place. I was on track food
wasn’t my enemy, I had a few rough spots, but for the most part I was good. Falling
in love, real love was all kind of a whirl wind. I guess I’ve always been a
romantic believing in true love and managed to always get involved with guys
who used and abused. Finally for the first time and only time I found the man
that God had for me. I believe he is the only man who knows how to love me the
way that I need to be loved. He knows how to support me and he always does.
After we got married and real life
started to set in a lot of my old trauma started to resurface. My anxiety and
depression got worse and so did the nightmares. I worked in a job where nothing
was ever, ever good enough, and if you have an eating disorder I’m sure you
would understand how that would be. I tried so hard to tell myself that it was
a little slip and I could get back on track but I was fooling myself, its grip
on me was almost as tight as it was before. So in a matter of months I was
sitting by myself on a plane to Oregon.
It was my first residential
experience and I was terrified. It was one of the best and worst experiences of
my life. I was away from my husband which made me miserable, but I was also
amongst some of the most amazing women that I have ever met in my life. It was
hard I cried almost every day but also had some of the best moments of my life.
I made friends that I believe are lifetime friends. I miss it everyday and
never wanna go back all at the same time.
I know now that without a doubt I
want to get my degree in social work and work with people with eating
disorders. I want to do whatever possible to raise awareness and help get rid
of the stigma of those with eating disorders. I’ve seen too much and lived
through too much to not. I know its going to take a long time since my eating
disorder took college away from me but I will get there.
Now that it is a year later it seems
like a lifetime ago that I went through all of that. With the season everything
reminds me of Oregon. Pumpkin spice coming out and getting a SHORT size on
Sunday coffee outings, and only letting myself drink half of it. All the
pumpkin things at the grocery store in the turnberry house, and watching
breaking dawn at the midnight showing. The aweful thanksgiving meal, going to a
Christmas tree farm and actually cutting down your own tree and taking it home,
and sitting in front of the fireplace and taking naps.
With all of this nostalgia also
comes the realization of how much better it would have been if I could have
shared it with my amazing husband. I don’t ever want to be in that position
again to be apart. Now I want to make the most of this fall and holiday season
with my hubby. My eating disorder is still a very real thing in my life every
single day, but it no longer makes all of the decisions. Now when I struggle I think
of the good support I had at rainrock, but also remember that I don’t ever want
to be back there again. I am truly blessed to have the supportive few in my
life that I do and an amazing loving husband who is there to act like a ninja
after a hard day of trauma therapy. <3
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